Decisions

Looking back into the past, I ask myself did I make the right decision? I believe things happen for a reason and that applies to everyone including me. I learned a lot not only about life but about myself. I can't change myself but I am more confident than before. Not as confident as I want to be but I am comfortable.

After all the big decision of quiting a secure job and moving away to look for a greener pasture, I thought I would be happy. I am reasonably comfortable and secure, financially and emotionally. Yet there is something missing. I still don't feel at home.

Now I am deciding to go back home. ES has been supportive with me even though I have to leave him. No doubt he has been unhappy with my decision. He is letting me go and keeping the house open for me if I decide to come back. I can still clearly remember what he said. When you come back you have the knowledge of what you are coming back for compare to when you first came.

Part of me is saying I can't wait to get home and be with my family and friends, yet part of me is sad to leave. But I have to... just to clear the web in my head and in my chest. Right now, I am not thinking straight... with this guilty feelings, I am making everyone upset including myself.

Grumpy old woman

This reminds me of a BBC series. Is being grumpy a sign of aging, I wonder.

My partner ES made me a cup of coffee. I put it on the table and kept on working on my pc and forgot all about the coffee. When I realised it has gone cold. My first reaction was oh I forgot about my coffee... meaning my coffee has gone cold and I have not drunk it. For me it is straight forward and no hidden meaning.

ES answered you don't have to drink it if you don't want to. Should I be upset and be defensive? I did get upset because of his respond. His respond to my understanding is you didn't forget to drink it, you just didn't want to drink it and I am unhappy because I made the coffee for you. I would have preferred with a respond like 'you left it too long' or 'heat it in the microwave'.

I know I shouldn't be upset because his respond was as straight forward as mine and yet I felt hurt and upset.

A sign of aging or was I always like that? hmmm... nothing to do with age, I guess. :-)

My new hobby - Golf

I started playing golf about 2 years ago, thanks to ES. The first time I tried, I couldn't hit the ball and was extremely embarrassed because my partner was teaching me in his own way which I didn't like. It felt like all the people around me are looking and watching me. I almost quit but he didn't quit persuading me.

Now I play better, not as good as I want it to be but I am enjoying it. ES and I join the competition every weekend. My first winning is a golf ball. That is for having the best shot in a particular hole. I was excited and determined to play and win some more. The second winning I got was a small ball and an $80 voucher. Isn't that great? I couldn't believe it. I bought myself and my partner something for remembrance... something from the pro shop.

Today like every other Sundays I played golf in a competition and I won the women's individual as well as the mixed double. This is the third time I won something. I am pleased even though it

is only a small weekly competition and price is not big.

Agree to Disagree

Can you really totally agree to disagree?

Agree to disagree involves good manners and respect for another person's opinion. One disagrees with another but doesn't say "That's stupid," when disagreeing with another.

(1) neither wants to break off dealings entirely, (2) they've found an area of disagreement where each has tried to convince the other, and (3) they recognize that these efforts won't work.

They set aside an irreconcilable difference to maintain a civil dialogue.

This is true and yet you would feel unsatisfied because you know what you think is right.

I disagree over lots of things with ES all the time and sometimes it's very frustrating. ... aaarggghh.

First attempt

This is my first attempt to blog. I have wanted to blog for quite sometimes but I felt discouraged because I am not a good writer. Composition, essays or any writing subjects was my enemy in school days. Numbers were my preference. I was and still am not creative and run out of ideas to write. Well, not quite... my brain can be very active at times that I have difficulty in remembering what it was all about and to make it worse I have difficulty putting them in words.

Anyway, I will just put down whatever I can and hopefully I get better in time. I also want somewhere to put my thoughts of my life 'home and away'. And maybe when I have the courage, I'll tell my story why I end up away from my beloved home.